PTSD and Being Married to a Crackhead

Today I straightened the pillows without cussing out my husband, Mike.  This is good since every day for the last three months I have straightened up the messed up pillows he leaves behind while screaming profanity and using fuck like a conjunction.  Today I straightened them without reaction...this, is progress.  But then I opened up the dishwasher and saw the dirty dishes loaded in it including a grease laden pan that OBVIOUSLY does not go in the dishwasher without a pre-wash and knew...that motherfucker is out to get me.

You are probably imagining from the title that Mike was loading the dishwasher and screwing up the pillows while toking up a crack pipe.  No, he's a recovering crackhead.  He has been sober for just over ten years now and is actually quite amazing in many ways.  He works in recovery and has helped many people recover from addiction.  He's brutally honest both to others and about himself but always uses humor to smooth over the fact he just told you that you are an idiot.  Even with all of his good qualities, it does not erase the fact that sometimes I want to punch him in the throat.  I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from both sexual violence and emotional abuse brought on by four separate perpetrators at four different times in my life.  Needless to say, I have anger management issues, social issues, trust issues, and paranoia.  I am currently doing well and test well on my mental evaluations, but PTSD is always there ready to rear its ugly head if I get lazy on my self-care.  Dealing with PTSD is much different than dealing with recovery.  I can only speak from my observances but people in recovery have a new lease on life.  The world is an open book and they are ready to enjoy it, "Smell that fresh air!  Isn't it great!?"  "Look at those flowers... I've never seen color so DEEP."  Nice, right?  It is nice for awhile to see a positive spin on everything.  It helps when the world feels unsafe to have someone point out the beauty of things.  But sometimes, like on the days that life is too short to straighten up pillows, let's go chase butterflies makes me want to choke a bunny.  (Side note:  I would never actually choke a bunny.  I like bunnies.  Bunnies are adorable.  Please do not ban me from bunnies.) This makes our marriage an interesting journey.  A journey of me cursing and him laughing.  Mainly him laughing at me as I cuss him out, then I get madder because he is laughing at my anger so I talk faster and then spit because I got tongue tied and now I am laughing because I am sure I look like a crazy person bug eyed and spitting over something stupid like pillows.  It's a cycle really.

Trying to understand our differences has been crucial to our survival.  He is better at this than I am but I'm trying.  If I am having a bad day he tends to give me space to work through it and I try to not say something every time I notice his lack of concentration, probably brought on by years of drug abuse.  Focusing on the good qualities is a must.  Mike always looks at the bright side and finds the silver lining.  Myself...I am extremely responsible with a high moral character, as well as an excellent curse word vocabulary.

What the Hell Is Wrong With You People??

I asked my husband last night, "What do you do when you are completely disenchanted with society?"  He really didn't have an answer for me, of course he was looking at his phone at the time so he was probably just giving me the standard answer for when he is not listening to me.  I used to be gleefully ignorant. I used to not know what assholes people really were.  The only glimpse of the troubled world was the evening news and the daily newspaper.  Social networking has changed all of that. Now I can see news as it happens AND see the general public reaction to it.  This is where I become disgruntled with people. This is where I want to become a hermit or the crazy cat lady and just walk away.  This is where I ask, "What the hell?"

I have always supported removing the Confederate flag from state and government buildings.  It just does not belong there. The flag belongs to a separate country, it belongs in history.  It should be appropriately displayed in museums and historical sites.  With that said, THEY ARE CANCELLING DUKES OF HAZARD????  The Confederate flag has been used as a symbol of rebellion for years.  I don't particularly like it, but that is my choice.  There are lots of shows that are way more offensive than the General Lee on Dukes of Hazard...Archie Bunker, The Jefferson's, Family Guy, American Dad, South Park...I'm not saying all of these shows should be cancelled, not at all.  The fact is many of these shows put in our face the reality of racism and make fun of it.  Comedians do it all of the time.  Removing the flag from government buildings?  I can get behind that.  This smoke screen of the the Confederate flag instigating all of the hate in our society...

What the hell is wrong with you people???

Bill Cosby admitted in 2005 that he drugged and raped a woman employed by Temple University.  Temple kept him on the Board of Trustees.  The incident was hidden from the public as to not "embarrass" Mr. Cosby.  What about the victim? What about the victims who have come forward since with similar charges?  Temple kept a rapist on their Board of Trustees basically supporting him as a trusted member?  What does that alone say about the rape culture in our society??  It doesn't stop there.  When news came out of the admission of guilt in 2005, people everywhere were saying, "I still love Bill Cosby!  I don't care what they say!  He has my support!"  People!  You do not fucking know Bill Cosby!  Period.  He is a television celebrity, that is all.  When are we going to understand that the character we see on the screen, may or may not be the person that we think.  What Cosby did was inexcusable and disgusting. He used his power to prey on women for his own enjoyment. Not only that, he judgmentally and repeatedly criticized black men. Bill Cosby was a beloved character on television since my childhood.  I grew up on Fat Albert and The Cosby Show.  I loved Pudding Pops.  I hate that he is not what I thought he was, but guess what?  I never knew the man.

What the hell is wrong with you people???

On my local news feed, a fifteen year old girl was kidnapped and raped.  The perpetrator was arrested and the story reported.  Most comments were of anger at the man who was arrested and empathy to the young, teenage girl.  But of course, one woman...a woman...said something about how the girl might have been dressed.  Seriously?  Are we still to believe that good honest men are just standing around minding their own business when a girl walks by wearing something that turns him on and then...suddenly...without control...he rapes her!?  When is society going to learn that it is not about what a woman is wearing.  It is about opportunity for the rapist who is searching for such.  If she was wearing a mini skirt, shorts, tank top, or a nun's habit...it makes no difference!!!  It is not a woman's/girl's job to avoid rape...men must stop raping.  (I am aware that men are raped too, however, it is more common for a woman to be raped by a man which is what I am dealing with in this example)  

What the hell is wrong with you people???

Religion is a huge issue in this country.  HUGE!  Especially now with same-sex marriage becoming legalized nationwide, there is so much debate.  This is my stance...I am a Christian, but, all Christians do not believe the same thing.  That is why there are so many denominations.  There are denominations that support gay rights, Disciples of Christ, Episcopalian, Presbyterian, and some Lutheran churches, just to name a few.  It irritates me that the term Christian is blanketing the opinion of all Christians as opposed to just the fundamentalist sects.  I support same-sex marriage.  If the argument is that same-sex marriage somehow harms the holy sanctity of marriage...why are atheists allowed to get married?  Hmm?  I believe in the separation of church and state.  Completely, 100%.  Bring back God in school!  No.  School is for learning academics.  Period.  If religion is brought into the public school ,  you MUST include all religions.  ALL RELIGIONS.  ALL DENOMINATIONS.  The flip side of this is if you allow religion in your government, then, you must allow government in your religion.  It is a two way street. The Constitution gives us freedom of religion, not freedom to be a Christian and only a Christian.

What the hell is wrong with you people???

In this age of information, with all of the educational opportunities available, why oh why...is there so much ignorance?  Have we lost the ability to show compassion? Have we lost the gift of common sense?  The question remains, what the hell???

It Would Be Easier If I Didn't Give a Shit...

I am an observer of people and their behaviors.  People fascinate me.  Cultures fascinate me.  I wish I could say I love people, but I don't.  People...are assholes.  I have been watching the news and reading about the Charleston tragedy and now there is a debate about the Confederate flag.  Every week we see senseless violence all around us.  The future appears bleak at best.  I found myself getting caught up in this flag debate, but then...an epiphany...

First let me just say that I do have a definite opinion in regards to the flying of the Confederate flag.  The flag is a part of history and should be kept as such.  Why it flies over a state capital or any state building is beyond me.  Museum yes, government building no.   I am well aware that the Civil War was not entirely based on slavery...it was about states rights and the south not agreeing with what the north was wanting it to do.  Of course...one of those states rights was slavery.  One of those states rights was the right to own, buy, sell, trade a human as property.  Treat a human being as you do cattle. Work them with no wage, beat them at will, rape them if you wish...you know... practice state's rights.  But let's take slavery out of it, let's take that whole part about the south being dicks and all out of the picture.  The south lost.  There is no Confederacy.  Flag is down.  Final.   This should not be a debate in the year 2015. This should have all been taken care of in 1865.  Basically, this is how I feel about the Confederate flag...

Rednecks...dammit!

The flag flying over South Carolina means nothing in the scheme of things though.  It solves nothing.

I was getting all riled up and on my soapbox about this flag fiasco when I was checking my Instagram as a distraction.  One of the people I follow is an actress who is Jewish.  She has traveled to Israel with her children and had posted a selfie saying she had survived the fourteen hour flight with her kids and landed in Israel, "it's good to be home."  She is not from Israel, however as a Jew, Israel is often referred to as home.  I noticed that a comment was defending her travel to Israel and this raised my curiosity.  I have found that the biggest mistake I make is reading the comments section.  There were a few negative comments but the one that stood out was someone calling her a "Jewish c---."  This is Instagram people, the teddy bear of social networking.  It's where I go to relax because it's pretty pictures and so little bullshit.  A Jewish woman has traveled to Israel, the Holy Lands, and she is attacked and called a "Jewish c---?"  I began noticing the posts on Facebook and the comments that people made that were so full of anger and hate.  And it's not just over this issue, it can be something as simple as a local news report.  It seems the general population has a chip on it's shoulder, is bitter, and angry.  Now through the wonders of technology, they can sit alone behind a computer and say whatever the fuck is on their mind.  Cyber-courage.

Our society has a heart problem.  Yeah we're fat and unhealthy but I'm talking about our souls man!  Nine people were shot dead in a racially motivated hate crime.  But no one is willing to look at the real problems...guns are easily accessible, mental health is a joke, racial profiling, racial and ethnic hatred, it's all right there in front of our faces...so what do we do?  We start arguing about a damn flag.  The flag should come down, I've thought that for years.  But that flag did not make Dylann Roof shoot nine people in a church.  That flag did not make the system incarcerate Kalief Browder for three years without a trial.  That flag did not make a police officer shoot and kill a twelve year old boy on a playground with a plastic gun.  Hatred, fear, and ignorance did that.  Take the flag down South Carolina, I'm all for that.  But then stop with the smoke screen...let's actually work on the real problems, shall we?

If You Don't Like the Femmes...Just Walk Away

I have had an AMAZING weekend!  I got the opportunity to go see the Violent Femmes in Cincinnati at the Riverbend Music Center.  I have been a fan since high school...which was about a year or two or twenty-five ago.  I danced and sang, screamed and threw my hands up in the air.  I put on quite a show for audience members sitting around me.  After the concert, a man sitting across the aisle actually came over to me and shook my hand, "I just want you to know I admired your energy." After he walked away, I asked my husband, "Did I make an ass of myself?"  He assures me that I didn't and that he would tell me if I did.  Actually I believe he would have gotten great pleasure from telling me that I acted like an idiot.  The incident did give us a new code to use.  Whenever one of us is being an ass we now say, "You sure are energetic today."  It's perfect!  I can call Mike an asshole in front of the kids and they have NO idea! Brilliance in the making there folks!

One of my favorite parts of the concert was when the band played a song that they had not performed in a long time.  They felt that given the recent tragedy in Charleston, SC, it would be fitting to perform.  The song is entitled "No Killing" and the words were perfect for the situation.  Listen below if you are unfamiliar.

I love how the song has no political stance, no complicated solutions, "The world is starved for love."  Simple.  I love the simplicity of that statement.  There is so much truth behind that. I have been reading the articles and the political rants about the Charleston tragedy.  Gun control, mental health and the lack of programs, etc., etc., everybody is weighing in.  But what it really boils down to...is hate.  As a society, we want to believe that we are all healed from the racism of the past.  We want to believe that prejudice is dead.  But we all know, that is a lie.  I still hear the whispers in the white community about other ethnic groups. Just because you're whispering it people does not make it nonexistent.  Police brutality, hate crimes, the justice system, neighborhood investment programs, all point to the chasm between the black culture and white culture. Are all white people racist?  No.  Are all cops racist and brutal? No. But our culture as a whole has got to admit that there is still an open wound of racial divide in this country.  Dylann Roof is not mentally ill.  Dylann Roof is full of hate.  Hate toward a race of people that he wants to punish for the color of their skin.  Even the judge opened up his bond hearing with a quick acknowledgement of the nine victims murdered by this young man and pointed out that Dylann's family are victims as well. Really??  I have long said that I feel empathy toward the families of people who do unspeakable crimes, I truly do.  But would that have been pointed out had the church been predominantly white and Dylann Roof had been a black man. Interesting to consider.  Kalief Browder sat in jail for three years without a trial, ultimately leading to his suicide.  Some say its the extreme backlog of the court system, but I can't help but consider that it happened to a young...black...man.  We want to make excuses.  We want to deny the obvious when it is placed right in front of our face.  Facts are facts...it is what it is. Racism.

I do not have a solution.  Would more gun control be the answer?  Aren't drugs illegal, but people can always find them. Better mental health?  Mental health programs cannot treat hate.  Maybe the Violent Femmes know the answer.  Maybe, the world IS starved for love.

Apparently...Girls Need to Know This. *commence eye rolling*

The USAID organization has a campaign to help girls worldwide to obtain an education.  The program is called "Let Girls Learn."  Here in the U.S., we struggle with encouraging girls in math and science, however, children are required to go to school or be home schooled under state guidelines. In other countries, girls are denied an education and many times discouraged from it as a way to "keep them in their place." Young women die fighting for their right for an education.  Many young girls are married off to much older men at very young ages without education and without choice.  Many suffer from domestic violence, female mutilation and rape as a way of life.  Here is a brief commercial about this program, in case you are interested:                           

I have a Pinterest board that is fairly popular entitled "Hear Me Roar."  I use it to pin issues that I feel passionate about in regards to women's issues, feminism, gay and transgender issues, anything that I feel I need to roar about.  I thought that I would like to post some information about the Let Girls Learn campaign so I did a search.  Here is some of the bullshit that I found...

Here is something you may not have known...

Yeah, this is encouraging...

If you really want to educate girls, make sure they learn this...

Math and science??  Aw hell
who needs any of it if you have shoes!

I did find pictures of girls getting an education...

She appears to be half naked...that's ok, right?

                       

Encouraging marine biology perhaps?

What the hell??!!  Not one drop of information that is actually about girls LEARNING, not one.  Unless you count the half naked college student who may be studying physics on her tablet.  Doubtful.  This...this is why I rant.  This is America! A country of opportunity, pursuit of happiness, home of the free dammit!  But this...this is the best we can do?  I fully support USAID's Let Girls Learn campaign and hope you do too.  I also support the education of our own society in the equalization of women and women's rights.  'Murica!

Vacation? Take the Pepto...

When the temps go up and the sun comes out, all I can think about are pools, drinks with umbrellas, and vacation!  I am traveling in a couple of weeks to Outer Banks.  It's our first trip there and I am ready!!  Ocean, beach, sun, bacteria that I understand... Oh yes, stay inside the safety of the U.S. borders and you may find yourself with the occasional discomfort of overindulgence.  Go outside the borders and...don't say I didn't warn you.

Several years ago I traveled to beautiful Cancun, Mexico. Absolutely beautiful place with beautiful people and beautiful sites...you get the picture.  I have always heard, "Don't drink the water in Mexico."  So I didn't.  I drank margaritas, beer, coke (Mexican coke is kind syrupy *shiver*), no water.  Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.  I needed some water, NOW.  I called the front desk and ordered some bottled water sent to my room. I am so smart.  Why did I not think of that.  Bottled water will be fine.  They brought my water to me.  It was so cold and smooth. Mmmmmmm... After drinking the last drop I was looking at the label, "Bottled in Mexico." Dammit.

The next morning we were checking out and flying home.  I woke up to severe cramping.  Uh oh!  I ran to the bathroom and sat upon the porcelain throne.  The most explosive diarrhea of my life happened at that moment my friends.  After my agonizing wrestling match with Montezuma's Revenge, I took my shower.  Thank GAWD that is over!

After my shower, I am drying off.  I bend over to pick up a towel and...fart.  Shit shoots across the room and onto the wall! I stand straight up, afraid to turn around.  Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod.  That did not just happen.  I turned around slowly to see the crime scene.  Oh mother of god and all that is holy... I just shit on the wall!  I have to hide the evidence.  I begin cleaning up the mess with my dirty towel.  I hide the towel by throwing it away.  I really should have been a criminal.

I step out and sit on the bed.  My boyfriend was sleeping.  He woke up, "Hey are you up already?"  I am staring straight ahead, "I just shit on the wall." He looks at me bewildered, "What did you say?"  I hold my stare, "I said, I just shit...on the wall."  Being the understanding boyfriend that he was he comforted me, "That...is disgusting."  Needless to say,  he never made it into my ex husband collection.

Feeling miserable, I got everything together and headed home. I shit in the airport bathroom, on the airplane, and above Mexico, Texas, and at least two other states.  I'm well traveled...

You are never too beautiful,
for Montezuma's Revenge.

The moral of the story?  Travel the world, see the beauty of different cultures and lands...but always, and I mean ALWAYS, come prepared.

Why I Need a Limo Driver...

I am a terrible driver.  I can perform the task of driving without issue, but I am not only directionally challenged; I am a road rager.  If you have been on the interstate lately and seen a middle-aged white woman flipping you the bird...yep...that was me.  I have no patience with other drivers.  Deep down in the trenches of my soul I just know, they are out to get me.

I recently made a road trip to visit a friend of mine who lives 3 hours away.  This was my first trip to see her as we generally meet halfway, so I was a little anxious.  I was prepared for my adventure.  I had her exact address that I could put into my GPS so that I would not get lost.  Small sigh of relief.  I had snacks and drinks and a full tank of gas so that I would not have to stop at a gas station.  I do not like to stop at gas stations when I am traveling alone because I am quite sure someone is waiting to slit my throat.  Not this time...I have snacks asshole. Take that!  Now I just have to make sure I pack everything and have a heart to heart with my bladder. Again, no stops.  There is raping and pillaging afoot.

I'm now ready.  Let's hit the road!  I have got to make a couple of stops before leaving town.  I turn into the gas station, "Make a right on the Bypass .  Make a right on the Bypass. Recalculating.  Recalculating."  Ease up there GPS lady I just need to fill up the tank.  I run across the street to pick up some toiletries, "Make a left on the Bypass.  Make a left on the Bypass.  Recalculating.  Recalculating."  Chill computer.  I get back on the Bypass and GPS seems happy.  Then I turn into the car wash, "Make a right on the Bypass. Make a right on the Bypass. Recalculating.  Recalculating."  She seems a little pissed.  Um, sorry.  Should I have discussed this with you first or something?  I am done with my errands and ready to go. "Turn left in 1,000 feet. Turn left now."  Alright now you are just being bossy dammit.

It takes me 45 minutes to flip off my first driver.  A diesel truck with a large pipe in the back and monster wheels is in front of me with garbage blowing out of his bed.  Vrooooom!  Black smoke billows out.  Rev up drive fast, slow down.  Gets passed, revs up, passes car that passed him because he...is king of the road. Vrooooom!  Black smoke.   Without thought, I get behind him and flip him off. Congratulations on the driving of your penis. Jerk.

At the first sign of urination, I begin to talk to my bladder like a boxing coach.  You can do this Bladder.  You got this!  You are the Queen of all bladders!!  Dry as a desert, empty as a wallet...you ...are...a...winner!!  Hang in there!  Show'em what you got!  Don't give up!  YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!!!  Next time I'm just wearing Depends, other drivers are looking at me.

I am approaching my next exit, "Turn right in 500 feet."  But, the screen says exit B and you are saying exit A.  What the... I'm doing what the screen says.  "Recalculating.  Recalculating."

Bastard.