Friday, June 5, 2015

Spray Tanning...Not for Pussies.

I have to say, I am fairly health conscious.  I try to think about what I eat.  Try to be more physically active. I wear sunscreen when I am out enjoying the day.  The problem is, I'm the color of...hmmmm...well, paste.  Many of us would have to admit that we want a little color in the summertime.  But what do we do?? Sunbeds give you cancer.  The sun gives you do you get your Anglo-Saxon ass glowing???  Spray tan!!  Spray tan is the next best thing right?  No harmful UV rays, no sunburns, just glowing brown lusciousness.  Until you die.

I had my first spray tan and quite frankly...I almost died.  No lie...the booth tried to kill me.  My death certificate would read, "Death by asphyxiation.  But DAMN her lungs were glowing!" I'm just sharing this with you for educational purposes...they will not tell you this at the tanning salon.  They are all like, "Stand this way, then stand that way, the whole process only takes two minutes.  Now give me forty dollars."  They don't care!!!  Your life means NOTHING to these people!  Consider yourself warned...just sayin.

The following are actual events of my near death experience. My son says I'm melodramatic, but he's not 18 so his opinion doesn't count.  TALK TO ME WHEN YOU CAN VOTE LUCAS! I step into the booth.  I have to admit I am pretty excited about my upcoming new look, I. Am. Pumped.  I stand in position, just like they showed me, shower cap on...let's do this.  I am expecting a mist, a light feathery spray to gently caress my skin with beautiful bronze glory.  No.  A cold shower of spray takes my breath away immediately, spraying directly into my face.  I flinch in order to protect the rest of my body from, ya know...dying.  I regain my breath and composure.  Good lord she said two minutes right???  I turn to my second position, tears welling in my eyes...Gawd I never made a will! The spray hits me, cold and furious.  I shudder but hold my position. Know why?  Because I am strong dammit.  I turn to the second position, then the third.  Two minutes or an eternity, it means nothing when you are looking the grim reaper in the eye... not today you bastard, not today.  I step out.  I'm alive.  I can breathe.  Yes!! I survived!  I'm a survivor!  I'm badass!!  Take that death!  I get dressed and step out.  I walk passed the counter like I'm a pro, "Thanks!  See you!" They suspect nothing.  It's hard to hide terror you know.

This experience was not without lessons.  I learned that I need to make my will.  I learned that when you face death you do see a light.  Of course, there is also a mini space heater in the booth so I could be confused but in my mind, Heaven shined down on my freshly painted self!  The last and most important lesson I learned?  Never flinch in a spray tan booth...never ever...

Don't you flinch!  Don't you ever flinch.

This is a public service announcement...

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