Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Why I Need a Limo Driver...

I am a terrible driver.  I can perform the task of driving without issue, but I am not only directionally challenged; I am a road rager.  If you have been on the interstate lately and seen a middle-aged white woman flipping you the bird...yep...that was me.  I have no patience with other drivers.  Deep down in the trenches of my soul I just know, they are out to get me.

I recently made a road trip to visit a friend of mine who lives 3 hours away.  This was my first trip to see her as we generally meet halfway, so I was a little anxious.  I was prepared for my adventure.  I had her exact address that I could put into my GPS so that I would not get lost.  Small sigh of relief.  I had snacks and drinks and a full tank of gas so that I would not have to stop at a gas station.  I do not like to stop at gas stations when I am traveling alone because I am quite sure someone is waiting to slit my throat.  Not this time...I have snacks asshole. Take that!  Now I just have to make sure I pack everything and have a heart to heart with my bladder. Again, no stops.  There is raping and pillaging afoot.

I'm now ready.  Let's hit the road!  I have got to make a couple of stops before leaving town.  I turn into the gas station, "Make a right on the Bypass .  Make a right on the Bypass. Recalculating.  Recalculating."  Ease up there GPS lady I just need to fill up the tank.  I run across the street to pick up some toiletries, "Make a left on the Bypass.  Make a left on the Bypass.  Recalculating.  Recalculating."  Chill computer.  I get back on the Bypass and GPS seems happy.  Then I turn into the car wash, "Make a right on the Bypass. Make a right on the Bypass. Recalculating.  Recalculating."  She seems a little pissed.  Um, sorry.  Should I have discussed this with you first or something?  I am done with my errands and ready to go. "Turn left in 1,000 feet. Turn left now."  Alright now you are just being bossy dammit.

It takes me 45 minutes to flip off my first driver.  A diesel truck with a large pipe in the back and monster wheels is in front of me with garbage blowing out of his bed.  Vrooooom!  Black smoke billows out.  Rev up drive fast, slow down.  Gets passed, revs up, passes car that passed him because he...is king of the road. Vrooooom!  Black smoke.   Without thought, I get behind him and flip him off. Congratulations on the driving of your penis. Jerk.

At the first sign of urination, I begin to talk to my bladder like a boxing coach.  You can do this Bladder.  You got this!  You are the Queen of all bladders!!  Dry as a desert, empty as a wallet...you ...are...a...winner!!  Hang in there!  Show'em what you got!  Don't give up!  YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!!!  Next time I'm just wearing Depends, other drivers are looking at me.

I am approaching my next exit, "Turn right in 500 feet."  But, the screen says exit B and you are saying exit A.  What the... I'm doing what the screen says.  "Recalculating.  Recalculating."


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