Vacation? Take the Pepto...

When the temps go up and the sun comes out, all I can think about are pools, drinks with umbrellas, and vacation!  I am traveling in a couple of weeks to Outer Banks.  It's our first trip there and I am ready!!  Ocean, beach, sun, bacteria that I understand... Oh yes, stay inside the safety of the U.S. borders and you may find yourself with the occasional discomfort of overindulgence.  Go outside the borders and...don't say I didn't warn you.

Several years ago I traveled to beautiful Cancun, Mexico. Absolutely beautiful place with beautiful people and beautiful sites...you get the picture.  I have always heard, "Don't drink the water in Mexico."  So I didn't.  I drank margaritas, beer, coke (Mexican coke is kind syrupy *shiver*), no water.  Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.  I needed some water, NOW.  I called the front desk and ordered some bottled water sent to my room. I am so smart.  Why did I not think of that.  Bottled water will be fine.  They brought my water to me.  It was so cold and smooth. Mmmmmmm... After drinking the last drop I was looking at the label, "Bottled in Mexico." Dammit.

The next morning we were checking out and flying home.  I woke up to severe cramping.  Uh oh!  I ran to the bathroom and sat upon the porcelain throne.  The most explosive diarrhea of my life happened at that moment my friends.  After my agonizing wrestling match with Montezuma's Revenge, I took my shower.  Thank GAWD that is over!

After my shower, I am drying off.  I bend over to pick up a towel and...fart.  Shit shoots across the room and onto the wall! I stand straight up, afraid to turn around.  Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod.  That did not just happen.  I turned around slowly to see the crime scene.  Oh mother of god and all that is holy... I just shit on the wall!  I have to hide the evidence.  I begin cleaning up the mess with my dirty towel.  I hide the towel by throwing it away.  I really should have been a criminal.

I step out and sit on the bed.  My boyfriend was sleeping.  He woke up, "Hey are you up already?"  I am staring straight ahead, "I just shit on the wall." He looks at me bewildered, "What did you say?"  I hold my stare, "I said, I just shit...on the wall."  Being the understanding boyfriend that he was he comforted me, "That...is disgusting."  Needless to say,  he never made it into my ex husband collection.

Feeling miserable, I got everything together and headed home. I shit in the airport bathroom, on the airplane, and above Mexico, Texas, and at least two other states.  I'm well traveled...

You are never too beautiful,
for Montezuma's Revenge.

The moral of the story?  Travel the world, see the beauty of different cultures and lands...but always, and I mean ALWAYS, come prepared.